


cherries on top, whiskey on the bottom

by Macremae



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Post-Movie: Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), do not take this seriously at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 16:17:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14216967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macremae/pseuds/Macremae
Summary: Vanessa Valentine saves the world.





	cherries on top, whiskey on the bottom

**Author's Note:**

> shout out to the pac rim twitter chat for this horrible idea I love you guys

“Oh. My. God!”

The door to Newt’s cell flies open, light from outside pouring in. In the doorway stands a woman, leaning against the steel and struggling to stay upright in what look like six-inch heels. She is tall, with leather-brown skin and wild curly hair streaming from her head in all directions. A pair of sunglasses are perched on her head, and her lemon yellow dress looks so painfully fashionable that it might as well be from the next year.

She is also holding a very tall bottle of Grey Goose, and spilling some of it onto the floor.

The woman stumbles in, blinking in the dim light. Her eyes land on Newt and she grins dazzlingly. “Holy shit,” she says, British accent thick and honeyed, “you look terrible, sweetie.”

Newt hisses in alarm, the precursors unable to recognize this strange human. “Who are you?” they hiss.

She holds out her hand to shake, as if Newt’s weren’t strapped to his chair. “Vanessa Valentine,” she says, “although you might know me by a different last name. Your boyfriend sent me in. You must be Newt, huh? What fight with a cement mixer did _you_ lose? And- omigod, your outfit is fucking marvelous! Is that Dior? It’s gotta be Dior, right?”

Newt recoils. Does this woman ever stop talking? And that name… The real Newt realizes with a start that this must be Vanessa, Hermann’s wife. He’s talked about her a few times, but never once introduced them. Newt is beginning to see why.

“Anyway,” says Vanessa, rescinding her hand and sliding down against the wall, “This place is the fucking tits, babe. I don’t think half the tech in here has even been released to the public yet. God, what I wouldn’t give for a hologram like Hermy’s got. You could make some killer shows with that, amiright?”

With a cruel laugh, Newt sneers. “I wouldn’t know,” he says, “I don’t get cable in here.”

Vanessa rolls her eyes. “Well fuckity duh, you’re underground and also kinda a POW. I mean, more like a prisoner inside a prisoner, but I’m too drunk for semantics right now. You want some?”

She holds the bottle out to Newt, who cringes. “This body has has enough of your liquid poison for a lifetime. Honestly, it’s like you humans are trying to destroy yourselves.”

Letting out a raucous laugh, Vanessa takes a swig. “I knew you had good taste. This stuff is like gasoline and puddle water.”

“Then why do you drink it?” he asks, a little curious as to the habits of this strange creature. Vanessa laughs again.

“Cause it’s five o’clock somewhere, babe! Maybe not on army time, but that system’s shit anyway.”

Deep down, the real Newt agrees. He could never get used to the strange, twisted around clocks of the military. Five is five; why confuse anyone further?

The precursors are ready to get down to business. Fixing Vanessa with a slimy glare, they snarl at her, “Why are you here, human? Do the fools upstairs think some stranger can fix this pathetic man? He is gone; there is nothing you could possibly do to fix that.”

“Cool,” says Vanessa, pulling out her rose gold iPhone 17. “What’s the WiFi password?”

Newt blinks. “Um. I. I don’t know. Why would I know that? What are you doing?”

“Livetweeting this shit, _duh_. Everyone wants to know what happened to the famous Dr. Geiszler, and this is fucking golden. Don’t worry, I only have about 25,000 followers- you’re barely gonna make waves at this point.”

The Newt inside panics and scrambles to try and take control. _No!_ Oh god, please don’t let anyone see what I’ve become. Everyone in this place already thinks I’m a monster, don’t show the whole world too!

“Just kidding,” she says, flipping her phone around to show a screen from Temple Run. “There’s no way I’d be able to say anything about this without getting my ass slammed with some kind of military non disclosure. Anyway, you wanna hear what happened to my friend Lillian?”

Newt cocks his head. “You are not afraid,” he says matter-of-factly.

Vanessa shakes her head and takes a few gulps of vodka. “Nah, babe. Fear of death is for straight people.” She shoves her phone back into her pocket and begins to gesture with her hands, flawless red nails glinting in the lamplight. “So Lily has this guy, right-? Total knob. She’s going out for drinks with him against literally everyone’s better judgement, and we’re all like, ‘Lily don’t waste your time on this asshole, he still lives with his bloody mum!’ But she’s all, ‘No, he’s cute! He plays football- he’s a real sporty type!’ And I tell her that literally every guy we know plays football, that’s not special at all, right?”

She looks at him expectantly, and Newt finds himself nodding his head. The Newt inside senses the precursors becoming distracted, and his heart leaps. Could this be his chance?

“But she goes with him anyway,” Vanessa continues, “and the asshole tried to cop a feel like, ten minutes in. So she palms him in the face and rages out of the bar, calls a cab, and goes to a different bar where she picks up this bloke named Nicky. Now, Nicky turns out to be gay and just experimenting with girls, but Lily says it was all very lovely and he was a beast in the sack, so no harm no foul. Long story short, she introduces him to her brother, David, and now David and Nicky are dating. Lily kind of regrets it now, cause she’s walked in on them snogging twice, but David’s happy, so whatever. She’s still single and looking, but Nicky’s got a friend named K.B. he’s gonna hook her up with, and we’re all really hoping this one goes right, because Lily will not stop bitching about being single. Like, live it up a little? Some of us have a hard time even finding people attracted to us? Christ.”

Newt is enraptured by now, having taken full control and still pretty interested in the story. “Dude,” he says, “have you tried Her? My old lab partner Jessie used it back during the first war and she’s married now.”

“I did!” Vanessa exclaims, sloshing vodka onto the floor, “but people always recognize me from Vogue or Cosmo or something, and none of those stupid fucking lesbians have the courage to talk to me! Like, I’m not being arrogant, there are literally Twitter threads about it. God, I hate us. We’re dumb as shit.”

Newt sighs. “I know what you mean. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to ask Hermann out for twenty years, and God knows how far this possession thing has set me back.”

Vanessa leans forward encouragingly. “Fucking go for it, babe! Hermann never shuts up about you, he’s got a major brain boner. Believe me, he wants to bang about as much as you do. Don’t let some stupid pissy lizards keep you from your man! Get that control back and get some!”

—

Hermann comes in an hour later, busting open the door with a slam. “Vanessa!” he shouts, “How the bloody hell did you get in here? This is supposed to be a high clearance cell it’s dangerous-“

“Oh hi Hermy!” Vanessa says cheerfully, waving to him from the floor. “Newt and I were talking about what would happen if you mixed red bull, coffee, and Jack Daniels. He thinks I couldn’t drink it. Tell him he’s wrong, please?”

Hermann blinks. Newt is sitting upright in his chair, eyes clear and bright as he makes a face at Vanessa. “Dude,” he says emphatically, “as a biologist let me tell you: you will absolutely die. For realsies.”

Vanessa blows a dismayed raspberry. “Piss off,” she says, and nudges at Hermann’s cane with her foot. “By the way, I think Newt’s good now. We’ve been talking for like, an hour, and I haven’t heard those Kaiju blokes at all.”

“How-“ Hermann stammers, “how did you get through to him?”

“She told me about Real Housewives,” says Newt. “And then played ‘Everytime We Touch’ by Cascanda until the precursors stopped talking to me. That song is criminally underrated, by the way.”

“You saved him,” says Hermann, “by telling Newton about the Real Houswives of the Potomac?”

“Atlanta, Hermann,” says Vanessa. “I’m not an amateur.”

Hermann holds his hand out for the bottle of vodka. Vanessa plunks it into his hand, and he drains the last of it in one go.


End file.
